Category Archives: starrbuck and nikki

Such a beautiful letdown

so w/ this whole “break/breakup” with John, I feel like I’m becoming a bad person. Not Bad like rapin and killin people, but a bad person to myself. does that make any sense? I really dont care if it does or doesnt.

 

I’m now the only person in my circle of friends who’s single.

 

I know that shouldnt be a huge deal, but to me it is.

I know that a mojority of the breakup was my fault. I lied about dumb shit. I shouldnt have done that.

I knew that he already had trust issues and I told him that I wouldnt be “one of those girls”

 

ha, WRONG!

I became “one of those girls”. I tried to fix it, but the damage was done.

I still hurt even though we  still talk and such. I just want things to go back to the way they were, when everything was ok.

I’m become bitter towards people who are in happy relationships. I used to have that, but I fucked it up.

And I’m afraid that I’ll never get that back.

Johnathon Stribling: how do we fix our relationship? it’s broken.

I am not 100% confident in things you’ve told me now and if you will be able to be honest

I totally understand him on that. I fucked up. how do you trust a liar? especially when you’ve done it several times before just to get burned again?

 

 

Johnathon Stribling: everyone is telling me to let you go

my head is telling you me to let you go

my heart says no though

 

All of my friends wonder why I stay with some one who can make me feel like such shit.

I stay because he doesnt do it just because, anytime he makes me feel bad, its because I’ve made him feel even worse.

 

I wish I knew why everything I touch turns to shit. The best relationship I’ve ever had is turning into the most painful thing ever.

Johnathon Stribling: im tired of this shit, do i get upset easily with you, yes…..but i feel i have valid reasons…….im tired of the lies, tired of your ehb…..just tired of all the bullshit……i don’t want to give up but i feel nothing is going to change

That hurt. but nothing hurt as bad as this:

i loved you yes

but i couldn’t handle it

past tense?

i’m not going to say present cause i’m not gonna drag you along not knowing the future
That was like a stab directly to the heart.
but hopefully we can work something out.

 

Johnathon Stribling:  i wish this would all go away

like i would wake up from this nightmare

and there would be my angel

my perfect baby

my kiara

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actions speak louder than words

first off, Happy Halloween!

anywho- so johnathon called me today while i was out at walmart w/ jeremy and co. to get spray paint for jeremys vest.

i was terribly happy that he called me, cuz i havnt talked to him in like 2 weeks or so? at least not on the phone. we usually communicate via email, skype and fb chat.

i totally miss hearing his voice. ❤

 

so blah blah, he asks me what i was doing so i told him i was goin to this Halloween party or whatever and he was all like “oh..well have fun.” sounds nice right? WRONG!! he had that tone of voice that he gets before he gets all cunty.

i mean i knew maybe….5 people at this party? and i told him this, and he was all, “im sure you’ll have fun, i mean its a party full of people you dont know.”

 

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????

Im thinkin he just thought back to the “monkey wrench incident” in which i went to a bar with some friends, had a few guys buy me drinks, got totally wasted and ended up havin to be carried into my house by Brett ( i know brett lol, he wasnt some creeper.)

I told him about all this so I dont see why he got so upset over it, but..idunno.

and  then i went to smoke a cigarette and i had to borrow a lighter and he was all “what you need a lighter for? I thought you were gonna quit smoking.”

I told him that I’d quit smoking by december, im weaning myself off cigarettes. When i quit cold turkey im a CUNT, and im tryin to save the people around me from my cunty ways.

I told him that its a process for me, i cant just stop whenever i feel like it, like he can. and he was all

“youre never gonna quit.”

REALLY???? THANKS FOR THE CONFIDENT SUPPORTING WORDS!

UGH!

and he goes on about how Im all talk and no action and such.

*sigh* sometimes i just dont fuckin know how we manage to be together.

i mean im glad he took the time to call me and talk to me.

he even said that the only real cons about being in Afghanistan are that he cant see me or his family.( His pros were that the works easy, he gets to work out as often as he wants and that hes getting paid well and payin off a lot of debts.)

idunno, actions are supposed to speak louder than words right? so I should just be happy he called correct?

 

ughhh.

starrbuck needs to get his shit together. and so does nikki